Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Mornin
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
