Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I got a sweater for Christmas.
I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
