Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
