Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

Cat is stressing him out.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”