Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

A ghost story