Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”