instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
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If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
