Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans