Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
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“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Come back with a warrant
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
time machine? you mean a clock?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.