Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.