Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
😂😂😂
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.