@joeljeffrey

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

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@The_Dingus_Khan

Husband: We should eat healthier; we eat way too much junk food.

Me, pressing cookie dough into a waffle iron: Do what now?!

@DeanOkay

Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.

@RamblingMachine

Some fairy tales start with “once upon a time”. Others start with “If I won the elections”.

@trevso_electric

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

@stewteee

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

@Scimommy

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

@LuvPug

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

@DivorceDiva

I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.

Wait, where ya going?

@ChipKellysBalls

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial