Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
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{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
adding to the discourse
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.