Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Dune (2021)
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.