Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?