Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe