Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

Coffee for people with no kids

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.