Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
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In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Managing expectations
