Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
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who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair