Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
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we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The USS B port
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep