Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
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Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
🤣🤣🤣
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
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It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice