Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

scared to check what name she chose

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*