Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.