Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

mmm onion ringos

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

File under excellent bookstore names.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind