Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
You Might Also Like
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.