Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

three things we don’t talk about

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*