Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god