Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

He took my last fry, your honor

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

Hmmmmmmm….

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”