Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic