Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

My safe word is Worcestershire

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”