Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
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Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
No, he would not have.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired