Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.