Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.