Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
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What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now