Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
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[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Ha
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.