Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

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While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.


Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug


[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?


This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.


You are like snow. White. Pretty to look at. I used to like to play with you but now I’ll pay someone to get rid of you.


[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?


[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”


Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.


Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight