Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
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What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me: