Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵