Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life in a nutshell

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

new year update: losing everything but weight

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

😂

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.