Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

The real reason evolution started..😂

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.