INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
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[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay