INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.