Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

biblically accurate fire hydrant

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK