Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

Beware…..

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.