Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok this is my dumbest yet

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

Möther may I have a snäck

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.