INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
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Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?