Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow