instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
You Might Also Like
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Oh hi lol
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*