Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.