instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
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Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*