instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Encore…
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion