Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
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Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
They’re not wrong
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages