Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

“FOUND ‘EM!”

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.