INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
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I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.