INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.![]()
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
black phone good
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Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Close call…
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My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Welcome
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It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”