Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
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I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.