Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

Practicing safe sax

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner