Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

HERE’S MARKY

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk