Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Just ordered me some pizza!

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

No. He’s not coming out to play

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.