@mommy_cusses

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

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@jellybnbonanza

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

@iwearaonesie

i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we’re growing up too fast

“they’re in there daring each other to eat dog food”

@krishna_van

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

@Parkerlawyer

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

@internetluke

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

@PinkCamoTO

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

@stevevsninjas

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

@omgthatspunny

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

@Jandalize

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’