Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
You Might Also Like
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?