Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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Addicted to pills? Don’t worry. They have a pill for that.
i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we’re growing up too fast
“they’re in there daring each other to eat dog food”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’