Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
LOOOOOOL
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Not all heroes wear capes…
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian