Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

Got a light

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity