Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

my favorite gender

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

pls suprot

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS