Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

I’m not proud

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.