Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

ㅤ

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.