Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

For the ones in the back.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

Best spoiler warning ever

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really