Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
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[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.