Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

Cndnsd Mlk

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

This is amazing.

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

Am I having a stroke?

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day