Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Lmao
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.