Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
#NeverForget
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.