Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

playing pool? you mean swimming?

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport