[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
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If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer