Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark