[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
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[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”