@HeyZeus666

Intellectual.

A man who can explain electricity but doesn’t know how to screw in a light bulb.

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@missusmelis

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

@mostlysharks

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

@HomeProbably

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

@DebHawk12

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

@Marlebean

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

@longwall26

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

@markleggett

At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.

@astutenewf

I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.

@TheBoydP

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic