@HeyZeus666

Intellectual.

A man who can explain electricity but doesn’t know how to screw in a light bulb.

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@ItsMeHelenMary

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

@Papa_Mex

But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?

@delusions_of

Before toasters people had to frantically rub two pieces of bread together.

@prufrockluvsong

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

@putyoursisterd1

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

@cloudcm

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

@FeelParmesan

2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.

2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.

@T_Bonezzz_

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn