A man who can explain electricity but doesn’t know how to screw in a light bulb.

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Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.


But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?


Before toasters people had to frantically rub two pieces of bread together.


All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.


“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.


If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.


2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.

2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.


“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn