• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
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Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
May never get over this
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.