Intelligence is the new cleavage
You Might Also Like
my proudest tweet
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
DOOO EEEET
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
These are too funny not to post 😂
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?