Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”