Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
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Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
crazy
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.