Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
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Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom