Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.