Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

reviewed some movies recently

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

goldfish mafia

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey